Saturday, August 28, 2004

The Funk

Posts have been few and far between, although I've occasionally been dropping things in my lifestylism blog. It's been a weird summer for me in many ways. I've been emotionally up and down, with the downs being deeper than I've experienced before. The ups have been high, leading to a sort of mild schizophrenia that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I've been reluctant to post anything really negative in this blog over the past year and a half, partly because I don't think it would make very interesting reading, but mostly because writing about the dark times feels like a public admission that you don't have your shit together. Tannis interjects: "or it just sounds like whining." I've done a fair bit of thinking about my funk of the last two months, and I've boiled it down to a few key things:
  • I've got a fantastic job working with great people, but I've been solving the same kinds of problems now for years. My creative initiative seems to be drying up, which is not really ok. Working 40+ hours a week on anything is starting to strike me as an obscenity. As a corollary to this issue, commuting really sucks, even when it is just 45 minutes and only twice a week.
  • Doing a masters degree while working full-time and trying to be a good dad (never mind personal interests) was probably foolhardy. Stupid, even. My last course starts next week, and after that I could conceivably drag my thesis out over a year or more if that helps maintain my sanity.
  • Having two young kids may suit some people, but it just about drove me nuts this summer. I wake up angry every morning...I hate being woken up. I'm also quite sick of cleaning up other people's shit and attending to their needs ahead of my own. I love my kids, and I think we're doing great with them, but I spent too much of this summer feeling selfish and just a little bitter. Luckily, they will get older and more independent, and hopefully I'm growing up too.
  • I missed Tannis this summer. We're a great team, and we've perfected the method of handing off the kids to each other so we get each get some individual time to do what we actually feel like doing...but the net result is that we don't get to spend time together like we used to. Our childless weekend tour down to Chilliwack a few weeks ago was a joy, and a real confirmation of this issue, and we're looking forward to getting to know each other again (thanks to Grandma and Grandpa for keeping the kids, and to Angelo and Esther for everything else).
  • I need something active to do in winter. Last year was the first year I didn't get a season's pass at Big White since we moved to the mountains in 1996. Snowboarding is not very compatible with our life stage, but I really, really missed it, and I felt that sense of disappointment carrying over into spring (yes, I take my recreation too seriously). I'm thinking of playing hockey this winter if Myron and I can find a team in Summerland willing to take us.
So this is a post unlike any other in Headspacej, but probably more accurately reflecting the headspace than the usual "this-is-how-great-our-weekend-was" blather. Maybe I'll have to make it a New-Year's resolution or something: be real in blog.

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